Snookin' for a free clinic: Is Jersey Shore's Snooki preggers with a baby gorilla? (Oh, God, no)

In Impending End of Civilization news, the word around the Twittersphere [again] is that Jersey Shore's No.1 meatball is maybe, probably, most likely knocked up. Which is just the worst on so many levels. Assuming she manages to carry her gremlin spawn to term, the likelihood that this kid is not born pickled, with fetal gonorrhea syndrome (that's a thing, right?) and with physical and mental capacities bottoming out somewhere around the first couple of percentiles are approximately one million to zero. Which is definitely higher than Snooki can count.

Hopefully J. Woww will just do the right thing and use her man strength to knock Snooki down some stairs/off of her high heels and end this thing before it has a chance to see the UV light. Or maybe Snooki will be a really, really good parent.

Yo, Rick Santorum, where you at? A woman's right to choose isn't looking quite so bad now, amirite?