Abort O'Malley

"I believe that all women have the right to kiss my ring."

I gagged over a Page One story in The Globe this morning about Cardinal-Archbishop Sean O’Malley and his stubborn pro-life views. Apparently, he’s excited about Obama but worried that the president-elect will open drive-thru abortion clinics at all major intersections.

This nauseated me for two reasons: 1 – This is the newspaper that busted hundreds of O’Malley’s homeboys molesting children not too long ago, yet they still offer these hypocrites a voice. And 2 – I’m always boggled when alleged virgins are given pedestals from which to speak ex-cathedra about sex and procreation.

What’s next – does The Globe plan to run a feature about Chuck Turner’s foreign policy musings? How about Clark Rockefeller’s thoughts on child-rearing, or Sal DiMasi’s take on political transparency? 

This piece is a must-read for all comedy fans, as it begins with O’Malley tearfully reflecting on his march for civil rights in Washington. I don’t care if he wrote the “I Have a Dream” speech; as we saw during the fight over gay marriage here in Massachusetts, O’Malley hardly believes that all humans are created equal.  

From there, O’Malley alleges that Planned Parenthood is a racist organization, and calls it “ironic” that Obama is “possibly in [their] pocket.” I hope that every black and Latino woman who has ever been aided by PP writes a brutal letter to this asshole.

Then comes my favorite part: O’Malley congratulates himself for allowing pro-choice Senators Kennedy and Kerry to receive communion. News flash Catholics: These are intelligent men. They don’t actually believe in transubstantiation, and if they didn’t need your superficial support to dupe ignorant Christ-fearing voters, they would never walk into a church again.

Thinking, literate people have known for quite some time that O’Malley is a sick and dangerous man. That includes Globe editors, who should be especially aware of what a horrid bunch of scoundrels these bishops truly are. Enough already – it’s unnecessary to pander to the few crazies around here who still believe in this nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong – the Catholic Church is absolutely entitled to its position on abortion. But only after it adopts every bastard on the planet and its leadership opens the doors of their hideously ostentatious buildings to the thousands of children who are sleeping on the street this winter. 

And O’Malley – if somehow this reaches you – please don’t discount my opinion by saying that you’ll pray for me. Just grab a Hustler, dim the lights, round up some tadpoles, and chill the fuck out. But go ahead and take away my right to eat Jesus if you really want to. Jesus can eat me.