The Barkley rules
SO . . . NO SCORE? Despite offering to tattoo a cop’s name on his ass, Barkley still racked up a DUI after running a stop sign en route to a blowjob.
Thank you, Charles Barkley. Thank you! Not that a DUI is ever really funny, but if ever there was a funny DUI, it was the one racked up by phocine former 76er/Sun Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley, who remains in contention for the title of funniest pro athlete of his generation.
In fact, I’m not even sure there is a close second in that race at this point. From the time he laughed off a question at the Olympics about why he elbowed a player from Angola (“I thought he might have a spear.”) to his answer to a judge who asked if he had any regrets about throwing a man through a first-floor bar window (“Yeah. I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”) to his on-air voice-over commentary when TNT broadcast a photo of Sam Cassell (“Phone home!”), Barkley never failed to deliver the perfect or at least perfectly inappropriate one-liner. In an age of intellectually timid athletes batting away tough questions with agent-drafted platitudes, Barkley has been one of the few guys around just confident enough in his brains to speak his mind, and just overconfident enough in those same brains to always go a little too far.
This time around, Chuck got himself picked up by the cops for allegedly running a stop sign while under the influence in Scottsdale, Arizona, after drinking his way through an $1800 bar tab with none other than Jaleel White, a/k/a “Erkel” from the sitcom Family Matters.
Even better, though, was what happened when he got pulled over. When police asked him if he’d been drinking, he reportedly told them, “Yes. I could give you a bullshit answer, but I didn’t.” Barkley then explained that he had blown through the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl, who was subsequently found in the passenger seat. “You want the truth?” Barkley asked the cop. “I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blowjob.” Barkley added that he had been with the girl a week prior and that she had given him the “best blowjob of his life.”
The authorities, sadly, were unimpressed, and Barkley was taken to the station and booked. Once there, he told a civilian police employee that he would “tattoo my name on your ass” if the employee would get him out of the DUI. Barkley reportedly laughed and corrected himself: “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass.”
In the car, police found a handgun, wine coolers, and a box of bear-claw doughnuts. Only Charles Barkley goes on a doughnut run in between a bar and a blowjob. The guy is the best there is.
Normally, a DUI is 25 automatic points, but I’m taking off 10 for humor here, leaving Chuck with 15 points and an early spot on our leader board.
Still not spider-man
Wow, we’ve got some old-time sports crime in this first week of the year. First Chuck, and now Andre “Bad Moon” Rison — one of the true OGs of the NFL’s 1990s crime heyday — has been busted for public drunkenness.
You might recall Rison as that trash-talking wideout who got himself thrown in jail for failure to pay child support, and whose Atlanta-area mansion was burned down by his late crazy-ass girlfriend, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, who told cops she was just trying to “barbecue” Andre’s tennis shoes. He also threw a man through a window: Rison did it at a bar called Bo’s and Mine, near the Kansas City Chiefs’ training-camp facility, and upon arrest told the police his name was Brock Middlebrook. Rison has been involved in numerous incidents, including a $287,000 judgment against him by a jewelry store in Georgia to whom Rison had written bad checks in order to buy bling. Among his purchases: a $40,000 gold necklace sporting the word “Dre.”
On the field, Rison was best known for trying — and failing — to get the media to give him the nickname “Spider-Man.” He’d do Spider-Man-themed touchdown celebrations, and everyone would just ignore him. Hilarious stuff.
Now Rison has been arrested for public drunkenness after being “rambunctious” at the Crowne Point hotel at the San Antonio Riverwalk. According to police, Rison and a friend caused a scene in the lobby; the former Pro Bowler paid an $85 fine and was released.
Ten points for the public intoxication, plus another 10 for being Andre Rison.
When he’s not googling “Charles in charge” and “forgot about Dre,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached at email@example.com.
ANDRE “BAD MOON” RISON (EX-CHIEFS, FALCONS, PACKERS, ETC.) | public drunkenness | 20
CHARLES BARKLEY (EX-SUNS, SIXERS) | running stop sign in quest of blowjob | 15