This goes to print a week after I write it because of the damnable pre-Web technology of the printed page, but I swear to God that I was the first son of a bitch to think of it: JACKSON BROWNE,JAMES BROWN,BOBBY BROWN,CHRIS BROWN. Notice the disturbing connection? That's right: all but three of them wore capes. No, but seriously, all four of them are alleged (or more than alleged) lady hitters. The name also is bad luck for ladies who bear it: MELANIE BROWN and the late NICOLE BROWN both married alleged (or more than alleged) lady hitters and were maybe hit themselves.
I'm sure you've had your fill of the whole awful thing, but here's one last guilty chortle in the form of an unfortunate MTV.com headline: "Chris Brown and Rihanna's Relationship Had Become Rocky, Sources Say." Life imitates the movies?
Tween sensation MILEY CYRUS ("Doctor, I'm experiencing a sensation in my tween!") got into hot water with Asian-American groups after a photo of her making the classic schoolyard "slanty-eye" face surfaced on-line. She kinda apologized on her official Web site, saying that it was just her and her friends making silly faces, totally not racist, and anyone who was upset probably just had pee-pee in their Coke, etc.
That didn't take (surprise!), and she had to apologize again this week. "I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of me with my friends offended anyone. I know everything is a part of GOD's ultimate plan, and mistakes happen so that eventually I will become the woman he aspires me to be." Oh, so GOD (caps hers) is telling you to hate on Asians? As a militant atheist, I demand an apology. And take down that nativity scene, small-town America!
And GOD bless little KANYE WEST for his lack of a self-censoring mechanism, something that always makes for a funny interview. "I'm so secure with my manhood," he told MTV, "and that's the reason why I can go to Paris, why I can have conversations with people who are blatantly gay." It's a fun quote, but let's remember that it's also the least offensive thing any rapper has ever said about gay people.
I do love a good press release, especially a dead-guy cash-in. Headline: "BOB MARLEY Family Partners with Hilco Consumer Capital for Exclusive Product Licensing Representation and Management." Oh, and what's this? The obligatory "preserving the artistic legacy" quote: "There is enormous demand for products that allow his legend to live on," daughter Cedella Marley assures us. "This partnership . . . will allow us to grow his legacy, while maintaining his integrity and artistic DNA in a quality manner."
A quality manner! See, look: "Licensed product categories that will be developed include Accessories, Apparel, Footwear, Food & Beverages, Collectibles, Luggage, Musical Instruments, Promotions/Entertainment, Stationery & Paper Goods, Hospitality (including restaurants, cafes, hotels and resorts/spas), as well as Video Games and Computer Products."
Shit, hope I can fit all these Bob Marley Consumer Products in my Bob Marley Luggage so I can hit up the Bob Marley resort/spa to enjoy his legendary legacy of fucking artistic integrity! Hope I can squeeze in some Promotions/Entertainment along the way!
We don't care if you want money, Marley family. Lord knows I'd cash in on my dad if he were dead and marketable, and his ghost would be totally cool with it. Just stop pretending it's about the legacy, because we're not that stupid.
Oh yeah, and the GRAMMYS happened.
You may have noticed that my column is now a little shorter. As such, I've had to remove one joke from this week's column. The joke is about QUEENSRŸCHE. If you'd like to read this joke, please send $5 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to Queensrÿche Joke, Boston Phoenix, 126 Brookline Ave, Boston MA 02215.
David Thorpe | firstname.lastname@example.org