The Big Hurt: The week in booze

By DAVID THORPE  |  November 2, 2012


Following my recent "Week in Fine Dining" article, let's relax with a sophisticated digestif. Nah, just fooling — let's get blind shitfaced on semi-poisonous bathtub newsshine.

From the true-crime department: the Associated Press reports that a Colorado woman has been sentenced to 24 years in prison for spiking her cheating husband's whiskey with morphine and crushed pills, and for attempting to procure two grams of methamphetamine from a police informant to further season his beverage ("I heard three grams could kill a buffalo," she remarked). Her husband survived, and now the woman languishes behind bars for no greater a crime than fixing the best damned cocktail ever.

Conversely, this press release from ArKay demonstrates a whiskey beverage with a precisely opposite set of problems:

The world's first non-alcoholic, whiskey-flavored drink, ArKay has been rapidly gaining popularity and is pleased to launch this truly unique and innovative drink to consumers world-wide looking for an alcohol-free beverage alternative. . . . Individuals with medical conditions or religious beliefs that prohibit the consumption of alcohol can enjoy the crisp, refreshing taste of ArKay non-alcoholic, whiskey-flavored drink!

But ArKay isn't just for invalids and Romney-types — it's for everyone who wants the great part of whiskey (that succulent mossy taste) without the bad part of whiskey (the shameful sense of warmth, well-being, and manhood). Check out these inspiring examples:

Is it for DESIGNATED DRIVERS? ArKay can be consumed all night long without any intoxicating effects — it contains zero percent alcohol!

Get pulled over with whiskey on your breath, then pow: when you're hauled out for a breathalyzer test, you'll punk the hell out of your arresting officer!

Is it for people worried about their waistline?With zero calories, zero carbs, and zero percent alcohol, ArKay makes a delicious, figure-friendly drink on its own, or when mixed with other low-cal, no-cal beverages!

Chug all the dark liquor you want without developing the telltale ruddy jowls of the degenerate lush!

Is it for people taking care of business?ArKay is perfect when you're out on business and need to keep sharp to close the deal!

Go ahead, take a frosty six-pack of ArKay to the office — throwing back false whiskeys during a power meeting absolutely inoculates you from looking like a total fucking lunatic!

Please note: ArKay loses some of its non-intoxicant properties if you fill it with morphine and crushed-up pills.

Meanwhile, from Seattle's KING 5 News: a local teen bought a sealed bottle of Mountain Dew from a Safeway store and chugged a shocking surprise: instead of the expected taste of candied elk piss, he got a mouthful of something else entirely. His mother quickly identified the mystery liquid as whiskey. Incredibly, the drink was even carbonated, according to mom, "like a fully functional Mountain Dew." One might argue that it's actually a superbly functional Mountain Dew; PepsiCo and Safeway have no explanation for the mysteriously improved bottle.

And I know what you're thinking, but he looked like a good kid. Not the type of dude who would fill half his Mountain Dew with booze and then lie about it when his mom caught a whiff.

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