Only a few weeks ago, I was making fun of AEROSMITH for their inability to present Aerosmith in their Guitar Hero: Aerosmith Presents Aerosmith tour. They were three postponements deep after Steven Tyler's torn thigh, Brad Whitford's head injury, and Tom Hamilton's surgery. Then they added another: STEVEN TYLER broke his shoulder by mincing backward off the stage during the course of what could only be described as a silly little dance. Despite the mounting evidence that these guys are medically unable to rock, guitarist Joe Perry remained committed: "I think the band has to look at what it takes to do this gracefully, but there's no reason why we can't keep playing until we can't walk." I gave it three weeks. I was wrong. Last Friday, Aerosmith announced that the remainder of the Guitar Hero: Aerosmith Presents Aerosmith tour has been canceled.
Bad news for anyone looking forward to U2's stage musical about Spider-Man: according to Variety, the project has been scuppered by "cash-flow obstacles."
New Orleans rapper C-MURDER — brother of Southern legends Master P and Silkk the Shocker — has been sentenced to life in prison as the result of a 2002 incident in which he shot and killed a fan outside a nightclub. I'd accuse him of taking his stage name literally, except that he was convicted of second-degree murder. Maybe he could start going by B-Murder.
Fifty-three-year-old romantic Mark McLeod has once again been arrested for "stalking" MILEY CYRUS. Although he claims to be engaged (secretly, of course) to the tween idol, he hasn't had the best luck; he was just arrested on the set of her new movie, The Last Song, and back in June he was similarly dragged from the premises after trying to sneak past security. C'mon, Miley, stop acting like a child — if you don't want creepy old guys hanging around your movie sets, you shouldn't agree to marry them.
ADAM YAUCH — best known as Bloach from the Beastie Boys — is recovering well from recent surgery for salivary-gland cancer, and he's sworn off pain meds in favor of a natural recovery. Get well soon, Bloach!
One other bit of MILEY news: Disney seemed a little nonplussed by her recent Teen Choice Awards performance, in which she traipsed around in short shorts and interacted with what many (not me, of course) might recognize as a stripper pole. I'm reporting this piece of non-essential info only because I was tickled by the undisguised iciness of Disney's response: "Disney Channel won't be commenting on that performance, although parents can rest assured that all content presented on the Disney Channel is age-appropriate for our audience — kids 6-14 — and consistent with what our brand values are." For the full effect, read aloud through gritted teeth.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE, who are well-known for their punishingly loud concerts, have teamed up with earplugshop.com to distribute hearing protection at their upcoming shows. "I am very pleased to have struck a deal with such an ear-splittingly loud band as My Bloody Valentine," said an earplugshop spokesman, "and respect to them for taking ear damage so seriously." If they take it so seriously, maybe they could turn it down a couple of notches, maybe? Or not do the thing where they play an hour of brain-melting feedback at the end? Maybe?
Oh! More bad news for anyone looking forward to U2's stage musical about Spider-Man: you're an idiot.
You'd think there could be no less exciting words in the rock-and-roll lexicon than "drummer solo album" — Chad Smith from the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS is prepping one as we speak — but I actually find myself more disturbed by resurgent rumblings of Peter Hook's FREEBASS project, an impending basstravaganza featuring Andy Rourke of the Smiths and Mani from the Stone Roses. Three bassists: all the skepticism and disbelief of a bassist solo career, cubed. I've been hearing about this shit since 2005, and the fact that nothing yet has come of it is no comfort — it only means they're preparing something big.
And the Chad Smith album is called Chad Smith's Bombastic Meatbats: Meet the Meatbats. So if you still harbored any lingering doubts about how shitty it's going to be, there's your answer.
DAVID THORPE |email@example.com