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100 unsexiest men 2009

The good news: the 2006 drug charges against LIL WAYNE have been dropped after a judge ruled that the search leading to his arrest wasn't proper. Wayne had faced a felony rap for possessing a little bit of weed, a generic form of Vicodin, and a generic form of Xanax — I'm all for econo hip-hop, as I detailed last week, but this was 2006, when the economy was fine! There's no excuse for getting caught with all this generic bitch shit. Does he drink Safeway Select Champagne and drive a 2009 Car LX? Get your prescription-drug game right, Weezy. Next time you get arrested, I want to hear about you flossing some quality pills.

The bad news is that COOLIO got busted with some crack, but, hey, at least it probably wasn't Walgreen's brand crack. He was at the airport, which must be listed in the official crack handbook as the dumbest place in the universe to bring your crack.

And speaking of drug busts: here's your official Big Hurt Headline of the Week, courtesy of "Illegal drugs seized at PHISH reunion." Say it ain't so, Phish! But whereas the headline is no shocker, the story's content is a little more interesting: the cops seized $1.2 million worth of assorted dopes and weeds and arrested nearly 200 reefer-crazed miscreants. And who paid for the hundreds-strong police presence? The band. The part of my brain that manufactures outrage is desperately trying to calculate whether I get to call Phish narcs.

The crime news keeps coming: LARS ULRICH, the toadlike drummer who often serves as the highly unwanted public mouthpiece for Metallica, has admitted to VH1 that he illegally downloaded Death Magnetic, the venerable dadmetal act's latest album. "I figured if there is anybody that has a right to download Death Magnetic for free, it's me." Awesome: we can arrest Lars Ulrich, or we can unabashedly steal his music forevermore. Either way, we win (unless, God forbid, we should somehow happen to listen to his music after stealing it).

"Stinkin' Radiohead!" sayeth former fan MILEY CYRUS in a radio interview. She was desperate to meet the serious lads after the Grammy ceremony but was told that they "don't really do that." She fled the auditorium in tears. "I'm gonna ruin them," she vows. Not that I begrudge them their desire not to meet Miley Cyrus, but I'm really eager to watch her try to ruin Radiohead. False allegations? Diabolical schemes? Escalating violence between the Yorke and Cyrus camps? I'm giddy at the prospect.

BBC News reports that a hotel pastry chef got drunk and threw rocks at the JAMIROQUAI DUDE's Ferrari Enzo, causing £30,000 worth of damage to the £1,000,000 vehicle (for reference, that's the equivalent of doing $58 worth of damage to my car). The chef's pique was roused when singer Jay Kay made some "deeply offensive" remarks during a conversation with hotel staff, though how a man with a falsetto voice and a big fuzzy hat could possibly say anything that could be taken seriously enough to offend is beyond me. Maybe the chef was just staging a visceral protest against the concept that the "Virtual Insanity" dude is still living that large.

By the way, I spelled Jamiroquai right on the first try without reference, proving beyond doubt that I'm the world's greatest writer.

In an interview with Melbourne's Herald Sun, CHRIS MARTIN said that he regrets giving the song "Scars" to NATALIE IMBRUGLIA, since it could have been the greatest Coldplay track ever. Yow! Imbruglia interprets Coldplay? It's like a shot of methedrine straight into the eyeball. In a related story, BONO called Chris Martin a "wanker" in a recent radio interview. How much of a wanker do you have to be to make Bono notice? Bono calling you a wanker is like Hitler calling you a dick.

Related: Fans cheer; earth weeps, Miley Cyrus, Photos: Radiohead in Boston, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Adolf Hitler, Alternative and Contemporary Rock, Bono (Musician),  More more >
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