Unless we act fast, the darkest chapter in American æsthetic history may soon be revisited: Billboard is again spreading the ugly, hateful rumor that a CREED reunion is probable. With vainglorious mulletcrooner SCOTT STAPP back in tip-top shape after a successful USO tour, a "source close to the situation" reports that there are "significant dollars" being laid down toward a reunion of the post-grunge think tank. Shouldn't there be some kind of government "Superfund" program in place to thwart toxic culture spills by outbidding the kind of bad idiots who'd pay to re-form Creed? Or, I don't know, can't the CIA clandestinely export the band to enemy nations to destabilize their cultures? Or can somebody just drown the members in a bathtub?
The universe is offering some small consolation by way of an upcoming JESUS LIZARD reunion, but it's just not enough — no band are as good as Creed are shitty. Further consolation comes from recently still alive drummer TRAVIS BARKER, who flatly denied rumors that a BLINK-182 reunion is in the works. Thank heaven.
Elsewhere, DAMON ALBARN confirms that the original BLUR line-up will be getting back together for some rehearsals next year. I'm furrowing my brow over here in a strenuous attempt to care. I think that became impossible around the time Damon Albarn wrote an opera about monkeys.
Reunited boybanders TAKE THAT hit the top of the UK charts this week, with their comeback album, The Circus, selling an impressive 125,000 copies. That still doesn't measure up to Britney Spears's "true comeback" album, Circus, which is on track to sell as many as 400,000. And both fall short of the 1998 Kiss comeback album, Psycho Circus, which has sold over half a million to date.
Most exciting music headline of the week, courtesy of Uncut magazine: "Ask GRAHAM NASH!" Oh God, so many questions. So many questions for Graham Nash.
GUNS N' ROSES' lawyers are getting pissy with Dr Pepper over the unpalatable beverage giant's promise it would give every American a free sodie pop if Chinese Democracy were released in 2008 (which it were). Dr Pepper got a little cute with the terms, offering a coupon on its Web site for one day only, and many thirsty Americans were left parched — especially since the site kept crashing, so that it was impossible to download the coupon. Laurie Soriano, a lawyer for the band, felt that the snafu reflected poorly on her wards. "When you go on the blogs and you read the responses from the fans, they associated Axl with this promotion . . . and blame him for the fact that they didn't get their free soda," she told CNN. "The door to a lawsuit being filed is always open until the fans are taken care of and Dr Pepper has done the right thing."
I can see why she'd be outraged. If there's one thing Axl Rose would never, ever do in a million years, it's disappoint his fans.
This story probably seems well beneath my usual lofty standards of reportage, but one thing about it lodged deep in my craw: the hilarious CNN.com article it spawned. Check out the first line: "Guns N' Roses became Guns N' Roses N' Lawyers this week." Ha! Get it? Because they have lawyers! If you're worried that the joke is over, fear not. They belabor up a masterful callback a few paragraphs later: "That's when GN'R became GN'RN'L. Soriano fired off a letter to Dr P. No one is LOL." Correction: no one is "LOL" ("lollin' on line") except millions of highly amused CNN readers! Seems these yuksters are about to put me out of a job with their primo zingers.
If you happen to be in LA this month and you're in the mood for some hideous rock-and-roll cabaret, be sure to check out alt-rock "supergroup" CAMP FREDDY, who delight audiences with "a treasure trove of classic songs encompassing the best of glam, punk, and hard rock." A glimpse at their horrifying press release reveals a stellar line-up of has-beens and kinda-weres: MATT SORUM, DAVE NAVARRO, A DUDE WHO WAS IN THE CULT FOR A YEAR, and DONOVAN'S SON. But that's not all! The release also piques your curiosity with the promise of even shittier special surprise guests — they're not tryna brag or anything, but their previous shows have been attended by the illustrious likes of Tommy Lee, Nuno Bettencourt from Extreme, the dude from Fuel, Paul Stanley, and Slash.
With all this rock-and-roll mischief, you're probably a little worried that this affair isn't "on the level." Don't worry, kids! You can rest easy, because Camp Freddy is anchored by a reputable corporate sponsor: "All the gigs will be presented by the band's good friends at Rockaholic, the new product from premier hair-product maker Bed Head."