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Say it ain't so, Joe

Breaking: Biden resigns the vice-presidency amid Wentzgate scandal
By DAVID THORPE  |  November 14, 2008

Can I take back my vote? This new administration has already forfeited my trust. Regard this mortifying quote from PETE WENTZ: "If it weren't for JOE BIDEN, I would not exist as a human being." Pete's parents met while working on a Biden campaign long ago, you see, so Joe Biden indirectly aided in the production of Pete Wentz, which was a disgusting and criminally reckless act. I thought you were cool, Joe.

It hurts. During the presidential race, I even had a dream about Joe: the media were freaking out over a highly publicized series of Biden "gaffes" but it turned out he'd just been casually swearing during speeches. Like, "I'll tell you who's not going to raise your taxes: [points to self with thumbs] this motherfucker." He was also being interviewed on the beach by a terrifying female bodybuilder, and he kept pointing to his biceps and talking about his "guns." Seriously, I had this dream. In fact, I just forgave Joe Biden for the Wentz thing, because he inserted a dream into my brain, and the dream ruled — and I rule.

This was such non-news that it completely slipped by me for more than a month: HARD ROCK PARK, the $400 million baby-boomer jerk-off theme-park travesty, has filed for bankruptcy after losing an assload of money. Oh, really? Nobody wanted to fly to South Carolina and pay $50 to ride your retarded Moody Blues roller-coaster and live out some heinous rich guy's bizarre miscalculation of a rock-and-roll fantasy? Nobody wanted to see "Phonehenge," your Stonehenge made of phone booths? Even though it's really clever?

But of course the flamboyant idiocy of the thing isn't the problem. It's the credit crunch, they say, and gas prices. They're planning to restructure and reopen the park for the 2009 season, and I hope it makes everyone involved even broker. I'm not generally one to wish others ill (snort!), but I really hope Hard Rock Park execs lose their wives and houses and life savings over this shit, and I hope their kids can't go to college and they have to make clothes out of their pets and burn their underwear for fuel, and then I hope their zippers chafe them in sensitive areas.

A delightful little one-way geriatric slapfight ensued this week when CREAM bassist and vocalist JACK BRUCE let loose on rival Yardbirds offshoot LED ZEPPELIN. In an off-the-cuff interview at the Classic Rock Awards, Bruce was asked whether Cream would once again reunite: "Everybody talks about Led Zeppelin," he replied, despite the fact that nobody was talking about Led Zeppelin, "and they played one fucking gig — one fucking lame gig — while Cream did weeks of gigs. Proper gigs, not just a lame gig like Zeppelin did, with all the keys lowered and everything. We played everything in the original keys. Fuck off, Zeppelin, you're crap. You've always been crap, and you'll never be anything else."

"That's a bold opinion," the incredulous interviewer replied. Bruce retorted: "What? You're gonna compare Eric Clapton with that fucking Jimmy Page? Would you really compare that?" Please note that nobody compared Clapton with Page.

In other Led-Zeppelin-is-crap news, rumors are flying that the non-Plant contingent of the group are planning on a new tour with or without the singer. Of course, they'll need a qualified replacement. Their pick? Billboard reports that it's the dude fromALTER BRIDGE. In case you can't quite place the name, that's the band the dudes from Creed formed after Creed. I know I wrote the word "Creed" twice in pretty rapid succession there, and I've just done it again, too, but please direct your fucking attention to the fact that . . . Creeeeeed.

Sure, SCOTT STAPP may have been the annoying Christiany one and the rest of the band may have been fine, and maybe this Alter Bridge singer never had anything directly to do with Creed, but come on — you'd think Zeppelin would be a little more careful about associating with a suck of this magnitude. They're in danger of touching a dude who touched Creed. That puts them like two degrees of separation from Stapp, and suicide is morally requisite at anything less than five.

Then again, Page used to cavort with the WHITESNAKE guy, so whatever. Bonus terrible news: Billboard is whispering about a Creed reunion, but, Jesus, you don't even joke about stuff like that.

NEIL YOUNG's mega-forever-awaited Archives: Vol. 1 thingie has finally shown up for pre-order on Amazon: $309 for the DVD set or $388 for the Blu-Rays. Seems a little steep — for just the price of the DVDs, you could send Neil Young 735 letters telling him what a titty he's being with this whole thing.

And in local news: a garbage truck just drove by at 2 am blasting DRE & TUPAC's "California Love." Are garbage trucks allowed to do that? I hope not, because it's even cooler if the garbage man just doesn't give a fuck.

  Topics: Music Features , Swearing and Invective , Joseph Biden , Robert Plant ,  More more >
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