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Worst in breed: Music

The 100 Unsexiest men 2007
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  April 12, 2007

Aging kidz bopper

This pizza-faced little bro of the Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter spent his airtime on their trainwreck reality show puking his guts out and trying to convince his trailer-trash buddies how ’hood he is.

Fall Out Boy singer; emoticon

FOB ringleader Pete Wentz, who infamously camera-phoned pics of his own dick and accidentally leaked ’em to the Internet, writes every shitty lyric that comes out of Stump’s mouth (except for the ones they “borrowed” from Massachusetts hardcore vet Wes Eisold). But given the singer’s physique, Wentz must be feeding Stump more than words. If that pudge-gutted, receding-hairlined, mutton-chopped marionette wants to get laid, we recommend a case of Slim-Fast, a couple of Motörhead records, and the retrieval of his balls from whatever jar Wentz keeps them in.

Christian music executive

A former Baptist minister who relentlessly pimps his daughters (Ashlee and what’s-her-name) to MTV and John Mayer, Joe makes viewers’ skin crawl by ogling (and, even grosser,  commenting upon ) his offspring’s, uh, endowments. Ewww.

Blues hippo/gun nut

The kind of lard-ass who, on a good day, probably smells like month-old lunchmeat. When not canoodling with New England Patriots cheerleaders, this sloppy, obese has-been blues traveler delights in speeding around Washington while armed with enough firepower to take out an Army Reserve barracks — which leaves us suspecting he lacks a little firepower himself.

Acoustic fabulist 

Because sometimes, what a girl really wants is to wrap her legs around the face of a less-well-groomed Charles Manson. Errrr . . . not. Squeeze him and out comes a sound like Tiny Tim getting gang-raped by a syphilitic 1930s Kentucky jug band. Not even a team of New York Times Magazine stylists and a wardrobe ripped off the cover of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors could save this psych-folk moonie from striking out.

Sad and lonely

In wake of his mid-career failure as a radio talk-show host, DLR debuted a newly shorn look that has us constantly mistaking him for someone’s gay Jewish aunt. Destroying Van Halen’s back catalogue by performing it with a fake bluegrass band didn’t help.

Intimate clubbers

The Twins are ugly enough as it is — imagine if George Clinton and Lil’ Jon had triplets, then killed the cute one — but they get a special commendation for bookending their career with several of the unsexiest lines in all of pop music. They managed to crack the Billboard charts by whispering “Hey bitch, wait’ll you see my dick . . . I’ma beat that pussy up” in your ear. They’ve come a long way, though. The first line of their first hit, “Whistle While You Twurk,” went, "Go ahead and start and make that pussy fart.” Charming.

Milquetoast indie rocker

Pasty, dough-faced singer with a whiny, needling voice and overly ornate vocabulary. His band, the Decemberists, dress up in silly costumes and sing songs ripe with allegory, historical allusion, and literary pretension, evidently as a marketing gimmick to get people to listen to more NPR.

Mullet king

When we put the lead vocalist of turdy rockers Nickelback on the list last year, we didn’t think his fans would come out in force to defend him quite like they did. Seriously? People actually think this dude is attractive? He looks like a lion crossbred with a chicken.

Reptilian entrepreneur

An unsexy icon for three decades, Simmons has long been the butt of jokes about how KISS were far scarier during the years when the makeup came off. Tongue-lapping antics, which Gene has long considered a sign of his virility, are now considered sexy only by prepubescent boys who’ve recently discovered Hustler. Now that he’s reprising his schtick as a reality-show dad, a little advice: the tongue’s not hot when it’s uncoiling from a face that could be shilling Sea-Bond denture cream.

[52] JAY-Z
El presidente

Though practically married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, Jigga was red-flagged for unsexiness by our panel of judges. (The male members of the editorial staff want it made clear that they stood up for Jay, and plead with him not to hurt us. See #76.) Our favorite comment about what makes Jay unsexy? One young woman opined, “It’s like he’s got a lazy eye, only it’s his whole face.”

’Fork face

Rock critics rank slightly below child molesters on the food chain of sexy, but Pitchfork creator Schreiber’s look is a mash-up of every bad pseudo-hipster message-boarder trope: from his conservatively fashionable haircut and the scraggly pubic-like facial hair he maintains to hide his speckled face and weak chin, to his unreadable and unaccountably influential Web site. Score: 3.2.

Baby daddy

Would’ve placed higher had not Britney gone off the deeeeeep end and made her Fed-ex look relatively stable by comparison. We sense a K-Fed comeback next year, but in case you forgot how loathsome this trailer-park hero really is, revisit the classic YouTube clip that MTV filmed when “Popo Zao” came out.

Nebbishy Latino pop star

Looks like someone stepped on his face in high heels. Coincidentally, currently serving time as the latest in a long line of Mr. J-Lo’s.

Music legend

We still don’t know why Phil (allegedly) shot his girlfriend when he could’ve smothered her to death with his (alleged) ’fro. Whether he dunnit or he dinnit, there’s no disputing that Spector has long been the worst date in the music business. Ex-wife Ronnie Spector claims he beat her senseless in the ’60s; the Ramones claimed he held them hostage at gunpoint in the ’80s. Couldn’t anyone see where this was going?

Human vacuum

Heroin chic is predicated on being able to do lots and lots of drugs without looking like a scabby, skid-row pin cushion. Somehow Doherty — late of the Libertines and Babyshambles — didn’t quite get the memo. By association, he managed to make coke-snorting gal-pal Kate Moss unsexy, for which men the world over will curse him forever.

Goth doughboy

My Chemical Romance singer may be the only rocker who aspires to look more like Billy Corgan. His fashion sense evidently arrested shortly after the re-release of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Fratboy humorist

Corn-fed, ass-faced classic-rock apologist is on book five of a schtick that wore out after book two.

Senior citizen rocker

In a police lineup, he could be mistaken for a grizzled wino. His enigmatic demeanor was sexy — when he was a brash, insouciant songwriter in the ’60s and ’70s. But now that he’s in his 60s and 70s, it seems more like the grumpiness grandpa exhibits when grandma won’t let him have a second slice of cheesecake.

American Idol

The class clown is operating under the delusion that he’s the class stud.

Public Enemy

Here’s a thought that kept us company while we were compiling the list. You know the white, pasty flakes of sputum that collect at the corners of Flav’s mouth? (Flavor crystals, we’ve taken to calling them.) Where do those go when he makes out with his ladies?

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