An MBTA Red Line station without a broken escalator.
 Someone in the White House who at least pretends we’re still looking for Osama.
 Happy hour in Massachusetts.
 Dave Chapelle comes back for real. None of this four-episodes-before-a-breakdown crap.
 State-sanctioned lap dances.
 Early-April X-rays of Johnny Damon’s torn anterior cruciate ligament.
 A Red Sox World Series win. (Yeah, another one.)
 The year’s feel-good Broadway smash: Stop Snitchin’, featuring a rousing dance number with Tangg da Juice and Boston mayor Thomas M. Menino (played to perfection by Nathan Lane).
 Locally owned businesses return to all the vacant storefronts in Harvard Square.
 Jennifer Aniston tells People that Brad Pitt has a little penis.
 A breakthrough Western combining the campfire scenes in Brokeback Mountain and Blazing Saddles.
 The nation’s first double impeachment: president and vice-president.
 The long-awaited Sopranos season opens with Tony’s crew in a bloody Brooklyn shootout with the posse from Entourage; Ari Gold survives to become the new head of the family.
 Saddam Hussein’s first trial is decided by a Fear Factor challenge. See Saddam play pig-uterus skeeball and rectum-eating games to beat the charges!
 Mayor Menino says, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Nobody else is to blame.”
 State-mandated programs allow people to exchange porn in the workplace.
 Mr. Butch is hired as head concierge at the Hotel Commonwealth in an effort to bring back the old Kenmore.
 The decriminalization of marijuana.
 A law requires every American worker to take the same amount of vacation time as the president.
 No more compound-word band names (i.e., Coldplay, Yellowcard, Nickelback), unless you’re Deerhoof.
 No more “Wolf” bands. AIDS Wolf, We are Wolves, Guitar Wolf, Wolf Parade, Wolf Colonel, Howlin’ Wolf, and Wolf Eyes is enough predatory-canine-name appropriation, thanks.
 The Boston Homicide Squad boosts its murder-clearance rate above 50 percent.
 Ann Coulter shuts up. And she eats something. Maybe if she were chewing she would stop talking.
 Boston becomes friendlier.
 And more affordable.
 And hipper. (Yeah, we know it’s a dream.)
 The MBTA B Line suspends service between Blandford Street and Packard’s Corner. You can walk.
 The real Jessica Simpson/Bam Margera video.
 The Combat Zone is resuscitated. Don’t you miss a little XXX on your lunch break?
 “Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 57)”: Rufus, Bill O’Reilly, and a loofa.
 Karl Rove: indicted.
 Dick Cheney: indicted.
 US withdrawal from Iraq.
 Followed by a successful independent government operating in Iraq.
 Having withdrawn from Iraq — and with John McCain now serving as vice-president — President Bush re-funds the National Endowment of the Arts, beginning with a $500 million grant for an arts/cultural center at Ground Zero.
 Arnold Schwarzenegger is recalled as governor of California and replaced by Mr. T.
 A bird-flu vaccine.
 But only after President Bush becomes the only American to contract bird flu.
 The return of ManRay.
 Pat O’Brien makes a comeback. A so-fucking-hot comeback. A comeback to make you wanna hire a hooker, get crazy, get some coke.
 City-wide Wi-Fi.
 Karl Rove’s horns ... and his tail.
 The Celtics get Kevin Garnett.
 The Bruins get a clue.
 No more condo developments or luxury high-rises that suck out Boston’s soul.
 The American Family Association chairman knocks up a prostitute and gets caught taking her to the abortion clinic.
 Another member of the AFA is caught mounting a deer — we’re not talking on his wall — during hunting season.
 Bill Gates discovers Bono is an iPod pitchman and ceases all African charity work with his Time–cover co-star.
 A serious attempt is made to help people with substance-abuse and mental-health problems in Massachusetts.
 More local weathermen find clever ways to use the word “poontang” in their forecasts.
 Sam Yoon loosens his tie and gets jiggy on his first official day as Boston city councilor.
 Lieutenant Governor Kerry Murphy Healey says publicly that it’s inappropriate and offensive for the state’s sitting governor publicly to badmouth Massachusetts.
 The Metro retires the phrase, “According to Google...” Make a phone call, for fuck’s sake. Your staffers have to write only 20 words a day.
 The first of (what we imagine will be) many years of indictments involving corruption on the Big Dig. Let the trials begin!
 The Big Dig’s completion — or at least the ability to take the same route twice in a row to our friends’ house in East Boston.
 More women professors hired and tenured at local colleges and universities.
 Kevin Millar: Red Sox first-base coach.
 Weezer’s reclusive frontman Rivers Cuomo ends his two-and-a-half-year self-imposed “celibacy.” With your mama.
 Davis Square’s Sligo Pub is declared a national landmark.
 An Oscar-winning Ben Affleck movie.
 Darkbuster dude Lenny Lashley’s fingers grow back.
 Mitt Romney admits he’s made of wax.
 And wears a toupee.
 Dick Cheney admits he’s dickless.
 And a bed wetter.
 With three nipples.
 MBTA Night Owl service is restored.