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Wish list

106 things the Phoenix wants to see in 2006
By  |  October 27, 2008
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[1] An MBTA Red Line station without a broken escalator.

[2] Someone in the White House who at least pretends we’re still looking for Osama.

[3] Happy hour in Massachusetts.

[4] Dave Chapelle comes back for real. None of this four-episodes-before-a-breakdown crap.

[5] State-sanctioned lap dances.

[6] Early-April X-rays of Johnny Damon’s torn anterior cruciate ligament.

[7] A Red Sox World Series win. (Yeah, another one.)

[8] The year’s feel-good Broadway smash: Stop Snitchin’, featuring a rousing dance number with Tangg da Juice and Boston mayor Thomas M. Menino (played to perfection by Nathan Lane).

[9] Locally owned businesses return to all the vacant storefronts in Harvard Square.

[10] Jennifer Aniston tells People that Brad Pitt has a little penis.

[11] A breakthrough Western combining the campfire scenes in Brokeback Mountain and Blazing Saddles.

[12] The nation’s first double impeachment: president and vice-president.

[13] The long-awaited Sopranos season opens with Tony’s crew in a bloody Brooklyn shootout with the posse from Entourage; Ari Gold survives to become the new head of the family.

[14] Saddam Hussein’s first trial is decided by a Fear Factor challenge. See Saddam play pig-uterus skeeball and rectum-eating games to beat the charges!

[15] Mayor Menino says, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Nobody else is to blame.”

[16] State-mandated programs allow people to exchange porn in the workplace.

[17] Mr. Butch is hired as head concierge at the Hotel Commonwealth in an effort to bring back the old Kenmore.

[18] The decriminalization of marijuana.

[19] A law requires every American worker to take the same amount of vacation time as the president.

[20] No more compound-word band names (i.e., Coldplay, Yellowcard, Nickelback), unless you’re Deerhoof.

[21] No more “Wolf” bands. AIDS Wolf, We are Wolves, Guitar Wolf, Wolf Parade, Wolf Colonel, Howlin’ Wolf, and Wolf Eyes is enough predatory-canine-name appropriation, thanks.

[22] The Boston Homicide Squad boosts its murder-clearance rate above 50 percent.

[23] Ann Coulter shuts up. And she eats something. Maybe if she were chewing she would stop talking.

[24] Boston becomes friendlier.

[25] And more affordable.

[26] And hipper. (Yeah, we know it’s a dream.)

[27] The MBTA B Line suspends service between Blandford Street and Packard’s Corner. You can walk.

[28] The real Jessica Simpson/Bam Margera video.

[29] The Combat Zone is resuscitated. Don’t you miss a little XXX on your lunch break?

[30] “Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 57)”: Rufus, Bill O’Reilly, and a loofa.

[31] Karl Rove: indicted.

[32] Dick Cheney: indicted.

[33] US withdrawal from Iraq.

[34] Followed by a successful independent government operating in Iraq.

[35] Having withdrawn from Iraq — and with John McCain now serving as vice-president — President Bush re-funds the National Endowment of the Arts, beginning with a $500 million grant for an arts/cultural center at Ground Zero.

[36] Arnold Schwarzenegger is recalled as governor of California and replaced by Mr. T.

[37] A bird-flu vaccine.

[38] But only after President Bush becomes the only American to contract bird flu.

[39] The return of ManRay.

[40] Pat O’Brien makes a comeback. A so-fucking-hot comeback. A comeback to make you wanna hire a hooker, get crazy, get some coke.

[41] City-wide Wi-Fi.

[42] Karl Rove’s horns ... and his tail.

[43] The Celtics get Kevin Garnett.

[44] The Bruins get a clue.

[45] No more condo developments or luxury high-rises that suck out Boston’s soul.

[46] The American Family Association chairman knocks up a prostitute and gets caught taking her to the abortion clinic.

[47] Another member of the AFA is caught mounting a deer — we’re not talking on his wall — during hunting season.

[48] Bill Gates discovers Bono is an iPod pitchman and ceases all African charity work with his Time–cover co-star.

[49] A serious attempt is made to help people with substance-abuse and mental-health problems in Massachusetts.

[50] More local weathermen find clever ways to use the word “poontang” in their forecasts.

[51] Sam Yoon loosens his tie and gets jiggy on his first official day as Boston city councilor.

[52] Lieutenant Governor Kerry Murphy Healey says publicly that it’s inappropriate and offensive for the state’s sitting governor publicly to badmouth Massachusetts.

[53] The Metro retires the phrase, “According to Google...” Make a phone call, for fuck’s sake. Your staffers have to write only 20 words a day.

[54] The first of (what we imagine will be) many years of indictments involving corruption on the Big Dig. Let the trials begin!

[55] The Big Dig’s completion — or at least the ability to take the same route twice in a row to our friends’ house in East Boston.

[56] More women professors hired and tenured at local colleges and universities.

[57] Kevin Millar: Red Sox first-base coach.

[58] Weezer’s reclusive frontman Rivers Cuomo ends his two-and-a-half-year self-imposed “celibacy.” With your mama.

[59] Davis Square’s Sligo Pub is declared a national landmark.

[60] An Oscar-winning Ben Affleck movie.

[61] Darkbuster dude Lenny Lashley’s fingers grow back.

[62] Mitt Romney admits he’s made of wax.

[63] And wears a toupee.

[64] Dick Cheney admits he’s dickless.

[65] And a bed wetter.

[66] With three nipples.

[67] MBTA Night Owl service is restored.

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  Topics: News Features , Mitt Romney, U.S. Government, Politics,  More more >
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