At the rotten core of Bush’s support is the Christian Right. As with any cult that cannot withstand scrutiny, it is quick to claim that it is being persecuted. So rather than debate inane beliefs concerning evolution, its members have declared pre-emptive war on themselves. Recently, a reactionary radio commentator convened a two-day fringe fest in Washington on the “War on Christians and the Values Voters in 2006.” Apparently, they are value voters because, due to the divine providence of Diebold and some miraculously talking moneybags, they get far more representation than they deserve. There will be a second collection today to refit the bell tower with turrets.

It’s high time to try something — anything — to stop this runaway Humvee of a nation. This may involve personal sacrifice, even my own. The hokiest, most obvious ploy a political satirist can make is to “run” for office. In my 30 or so years putting the needle in those who turn the screws, I’ve never resorted to such an obvious and predictable stunt.

But this is the era of the new low, and so for the good of this nation and world, I am considering forming a committee to look into the viability of a run for unitary executive of the United States.

Further, I am appointing my friend A. Whitney Brown to head up a one-man search committee for vice-unitary executive — arguably the more powerful position. Inside word has it that Brown may well finally find himself in this endeavor.

The presidency was just too damned limited in the past. Now that it’s no longer encumbered by all that constitutional rigmarole, it holds an allure I cannot fully resist. George W. Bush has redefined the task. Now that it’s become the job of a unitary, no-count, unaccountable idiot, I feel almost overqualified. But my nation comes first, and I certainly won’t be the first underemployed person in the land.

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The important difference between me and Bush is that, as the head of Schmucks Unlimited (Copyright 2006 Dick Cheney), my unbridled power will be employed for the common good and not the private interest. When I tell you I can be trusted, it will be the truth, unless of course you are a weapons manufacturer, pension thief, corrupt mining concern, neo-con kool-aid chugger, Christian who would make Jesus puke, stock-market hustler, Iraq optimist, carpetbagger bottom-feeding anywhere near the Gulf Coast and New Orleans, bigot, prison-industrial-complex profiteer, global-warming accelerator, health-care pimp, church-state integrationist, Big Oil Whore, member of the DLC, downsizer, Bill O’Reilly, science-baiter, terrorizer and/or murderer of innocents anywhere, or anyone involved with that horrific music on Suzuki commercials.

So about 92 percent of you have nothing to fear from a Crimmins unitary executiveship; the rest are advised to familiarize themselves with the lyrics to “Positively Fourth Street.”

One more thing: no more wiretaps. I won’t spy on anyone because the guilty are as obvious as a political satirist faking a run for office.

I’ll be making an announcement soon, but only on a need-to-know basis. I even have a campaign slogan: “Crimmins in ’08 — What are you gonna do about it?”

Political satirist Barry Crimmins will be appearing at Jimmy Tingle’s Off-Broadway Theater, in Somerville, Friday and Saturday, May 5 and 6. He may be making an important announcement. That’s all you need to know.

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Barry Crimmins: bfcrim@barrycrimmins.com