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Addicted to distraction

Obviously, I was going to have to fake an interview with Cutler, just to be fair to everybody. Except those insignificant dweebs, Moody and Scott.

ME You're being sued for billions of dollars by investors in a bankrupt mortgage company you helped direct. You keep engaging in paranoid rants about how your opponents are plotting against you. You've spent less time in Maine in the past decade than the Asian long-horned beetle. You've got a personality that makes Michael Vick's pit bulls look cuddly. Why am I getting a Donald Trump vibe?

CUTLER "It's probably my weird hair. I comb it like that to cover the scar where the Chinese implanted the microchip." His campaign later issued a clarification indicating Cutler combs his hair that way because he thinks it makes him look more like a lifelong independent, instead of the Democrat he really was. The microchip scar is actually behind his left ear.

ME How can you win the governor's race with all that baggage?

CUTLER "Nobody pays attention to any of it. They're too busy arguing about whether LePage will show up at the next debate and if he does whether he'll be armed with a soda bottle full of common household chemicals."

Maybe that's the whole problem with this gubernatorial campaign. Voters such as yourself are easily distracted by angry white men carrying explosives and other insignificant crap.

You don't believe that's true?

You read this whole column, didn't you?

Combustible comments can be sealed in plastic bottles and sent to me. Or you can just e-mail them toaldiamon@herniahill.net.