Insert Xbox joke here
Remember that South Park episode where Cartman froze himself for 600 years so he wouldn’t have to wait for the release of the new version of Nintendo Wii? Well, we had something almost as ridiculous last week in collegiate sports, when a pair of football-playing twins was nabbed for burglary after the pair broke into an apartment to steal an Xbox.
Bill and Jack Ikegwuonu, 20 year-old defensive backs from Madison, Wisconsin, who went to different universities to pursue their collegiate careers (Bill for piddly-ass Northern Illinois, Jack for Big 10 powerhouse Wisconsin), allegedly got fed up searching for an Xbox in the town of DeKalb, Wisconsin, and broke into a local resident’s home. According to police reports, the victim found two men in his room crouched over his Xbox. After spotting the apartment’s tenant, the twins — as they had after their high school football careers — split up, each running in different directions. The victim gave chase while contacting police on his cell phone, ultimately following Jack Ikegwuonu to his home. Police came, Jack was busted, and he eventually called his brother, who turned himself in.
Kenneth Johnson, the DeKalb public defender who received this case, has issued some humorous statements. Best among these has probably been, “I’m confident in their innocence . . . When all the facts come to light, I’m sure they will be found not guilty.”
Right. Another set of extremely fast black identical twins will soon be arrested and charged with the crime. No doubt.
UW-Madison’s statement on the arrest followed the usual “we’re still gathering facts” strategy, although it left out the part about having faith in the efficacy of the system, belief in the doctrine of innocence until proof of guilt, etc. Rumors abound that Jack Ikegwuonu will be bounced from participation in the upcoming Capitol One Bowl. And NIU’s Bill faces a similar potential benching in the Poinsettia Bowl, whatever the hell that is.
Video-game arrests have never been too popular in college sports, although the trend has spiked ever so slightly in recent years. A pair of University of Arizona football players was arrested in 2001 after getting in a fight over a video game they were playing — a surprising incident only because it seems that alcohol was not involved. (“It was kind of dumb really,” said one of the players.) Former Florida State CrimiNole (and current Philadelphia Eagle defensive tackle) Broderick Bunkley was busted in 2003 for stealing a video game from Wal-Mart. But, really, who can blame him? And it’s alleged that some of the famous South Carolina Gamecock laptop arrests last year were motivated in part by a desire to use the machines to play games.
The Ikegwuonus will face separate hearings in the next two months.
Another Bengal arrest
The Cincinnati Bengal phenomenon is now officially boring, mainly because the quality of recent arrests has been so poor. For a team that seems to want to compete with the legacy of the great Portland Jail Blazers, the NFL’s Bungles appear not to be trying hard enough.
