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Nothing's shocking

Taser me, too!

STUNNING: The Taser gun (shown here taking down a crowbar-wielding redneck) is sports crime’s latest accessory.

The details of the Davis case remain mysterious, and the normally soft-spoken 6’11” center insists he was the victim in the case and was profiled by white policemen. The arrest occurred in Miami Beach, so anything is possible. All we know is that Davis was involved in some kind of altercation in a Miami hotel, police were called, and Davis was asked to remove his hands from his pockets. He complied, and pulled out three cell phones and some credit cards. Then, when he put his hands back in his pockets, he allegedly said — echoing the late Eazy E — something along the lines of “I’ll beat you all up if you put your guns away.” As Davis allegedly advanced toward police, they pegged him in the chest with the stun gun, rolled him, and cuffed him. Davis’s agent, “Chubby” Wells, says Davis is going to sue.

Meanwhile, in a case that appears to be a bizarre admixture of recent sports controversies, a San Jose State University football player named Ellis Jones III (the name itself is a strange echo of Patriots player Ellis Hobbs III, particularly since Jones is also an undersize cornerback) was arrested last week on charges involving his use of Craigslist to set up meetings with people. Hobbs allegedly stunned respondents with a Taser gun, then took their cash and used it to buy laptop computers and other items. In one incident, Jones allegedly arranged a meeting with a pair of teenagers who thought they were buying an Xbox. No Xbox; Jones pointed the stun gun in their car and took their money. Oddly enough, Jones was ultimately arrested for the unrelated crime of robbing a pizzeria, and stories continue to surface about other activities, including a home invasion. He faces charges of kidnapping, false imprisonment, and second-degree burglary. Never underestimate the criminal creativity of a defensive back; their only rivals in this area, strangely enough, are wide receivers.

Bengal can't change its stripes, Vol. VII
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. That’s all anyone can say about the continued behavioral excellence of the Cincinnati Bengals. Many promising sports punchlines fizzle out with time, but the Bengals seemed to need little more than a faint whiff of the CrimiNoles/’90s-era Cowboys/Portland JailBlazers distinction as dominant criminal sports enterprise before lunging after it with both hands.