Imitation can be the sincerest form of flattery, but more often it’s the surest sign that something’s gone horribly wrong. Consider Aeon Flux, which cherry-picks the best parts of several better games, then swathes them in hideous neon graphics and props them upon a wobbly game-play platform that seems at all times about to collapse.
How unoriginal is Aeon Flux, you ask? It’s not the running or jumping or shooting that I have a problem with, though all these things have been implemented with the grace of Evander Holyfield on Dancing with the Stars. No, it’s the feature in which Aeon climbs into a metal sphere about the size of an exercise ball. Let’s see, science-fiction-based-platform game play, female protagonist, morph ball — where have we seen this before? Could it be a shameless rip from the Metroid series? It’d be one thing if Aeon’s “roller” didn’t handle worse than a shopping cart. As is, this is a bit like forging the Mona Lisa in crayon and then trying to write a bestselling novel about its hidden code.
Metroid isn’t the only franchise that gets the stinkface from Aeon Flux. Aeon’s acrobatic maneuvers include running along walls for short periods of time, swinging around conveniently placed poles, and shimmying along ledges. (As the manual so mystifyingly puts it, her “abilities transcend everyday belief.” I am fairly certain this was not translated from the Japanese.) You might recognize these moves from the Prince of Persia series, in which they were both joyful and effortless. Aeon Flux’s play control is nothing like that. Inputting a command in this game is like voting for a Green Party presidential candidate: it seems momentous when you’re doing it but turns out to have no actual effect.
It may be unfair to pin the blame for this disaster solely on developer Terminal Reality. The game was announced in April, which means TR had barely eight months to work on it in order to get it out together with the film. That could explain the choppy frame rate and puzzling collision detection. Certainly the short development cycle resulted in a dearth of recorded dialogue from the film’s star, Charlize Theron.
And though Ms. Theron does provide much of the cut-scene dialogue, during game play she has only one line — which gets repeated ad nauseam. Aeon can control little balls called “orbs” that are useful for unlocking doors. (In an oppressive futuristic dystopia, it seems, security is airtight except for sexy secret agents and mildly skilled bocce players.) Every time Aeon deploys an orb, she says, “Roll out.” And since orbs get shot or blown up by the automated security systems with surprising frequency, you’ll hear this a lot. At least they found the time to record two different versions of it! No, seriously. I think they couldn’t decide which line reading was worse and just kept them both.
Games like Aeon Flux provide a valuable service by reminding us that life is too short to play lousy video games. Every moment you spend slogging away at Aeon Flux is a moment you’re not playing Resident Evil 4, Shadow of the Colossus, or Half-Life 2. You could even try getting some fresh air. Make sure you take Aeon Flux out with you and drop it in the nearest dumpster.
Aeon Flux | For PlayStation 2 and Xbox | Rated T for Teen | Published by Majesco Games | Developed by Terminal Reality
