NEWS ITEM: The Maine Senate has confirmed Democratic Governor John Baldacci’s nomination of Charles Dow of Winthrop for a District Court judgeship, despite Republican criticism of Dow’s lack of courtroom experience. The nominee spent less than five months handling District Court cases, while employed at a Portland law firm a decade ago. Since then, Dow has served as a top aide for several prominent Democrats, including former Speaker of the House Libby Mitchell and Attorney General Steve Rowe.
Once upon a time, there was a magical city called Augusta, where dreams came true. Paupers became princes, particularly if they had an in with the Department of Economic and Community Development and Severin Beliveau. Press secretaries were transformed into assistant commissioners of finance and administration. And people who’d spent less time in a courtroom than convicted murderer Dennis Dechaine became judges. All it took was hard work, faith in yourself, and a lot of sucking up to the politically powerful.
In this wondrous place, there was a mighty castle called the Blaine House, which was home to the governor (an office similar to a king, except a governor can’t blame his stupid decisions on centuries of inbreeding). His name was Baldacci, and one day, while stumbling around in the basement looking for his approval rating, he noticed a pipe dripping water on the floor.
“I must summon the gubernatorial plumber,” he cried.
But the gubernatorial plumber was nowhere to be found, having moved to Florida to avoid the state income tax, as well as the consequences of having inadvertently connected the Department of Health and Human Services’ Medicaid computer with the State House septic system.
“Glug,” gurgled the governor, for the water was getting deep. “I must nominate a new plumber without delay.”
He summoned his council of advisors, which was composed of Mr. Tweedle Dee, Mr. Tweedle Dum, and the Earl of Eagle Lake, John Martin.
“What qualified candidates can you suggest for this prestigious post?” the guv asked.
The first to speak was Mr. Dee. “Your Governorness,” he toadied, “I know of a plumber, who has graduated from our finest plumbing school with the highest grades and who has 10 years’ experience fixing dripping pipes and excellent references from ordinary people.”
Mr. Dum was quick to interrupt. “Surely, your Gubernatorial Greatness requires a plumber with more than a mere decade of drip-fixing expertise,” he groveled. “I am aware of a local fellow, who, upon graduation from our esteemed institution of plumbology, went on to study at the Nixon White House. He has over 30 years’ experience in dealing with leaks and leakers. And he promises to clean up the contaminants that have collected in the Medicaid computer for no additional compensation, save the gratitude of your Governated Person.”
Baldacci was about to tell Mr. Dum to have this plumber present himself at the Blaine House without delay (but with his pipe wrench). But before he could speak, the Earl of Eagle Lake stepped forward.
